Most of the time I feel like there is something inherently wrong with me. I give in to self-doubt and anxiety and the nausea of the very thought of life. It is not that life is specially hard, it’s just the idea of it, the tasks expected from you and the way you are supposed to behave and the very notion of existing. Existence pains me. I am not even depressed anymore, at least not clinically. I do not wish to ever return to that state after having endured it for half a decade. It’s just that I am always completely lost. I have forgotten how to live like a competent human being, or at least society’s notion of competency. I keep looking for ways to modify my own head to fly by each day unscathed and productive. I do a lot of thinking about things, of never knowing when the chaos will end or if I would ever be able to grasp the notion of life on earth at all. I do not feel human. I am afraid of myself. I am afraid of my own thoughts.
Knowledge is such a dangerous thing. The more I seem to know about the world, the more I try to understand its people, the more dangerous I become.
I am both weary and wary.
I am afraid of myself.
Even to this day, I feel like I am still trying to figure myself out. Will my worldview change? What is my worldview? For my own good, I am going to answer some questions that I may look back on later. Maybe my existence might actually make sense to the future me.
What’s your favourite virtue?
What vice do you most despise?
What are you most willing to forgive?
What’s your most marked characteristic?
What are you most afraid of?
What’s the quality you most like in a man?
What’s the quality you most like in a woman?
What do you most value about your friends?
What’s your principal defect?
What do you consider the most overrated virtue?
What do you consider the most underrated virtue?
Which talent would you most like to have?
If not yourself, who would you be?
My future self; the wise and fair and good person I aspire to be
How do you wish to die?
On my own terms
What’s your favourite occupation?
Your favourite motto?
The truly smart ones struggle the most