What is the Problem Now?

Have I started a war, or has there always been one waging within me?

Every time I think I’m okay, finally, I’m saved, for sure, this time, it ends with a step backwards. I’ve got a lot better, and now I’ve got worse. Nobody ever talks about what happens after they are cured. One step forward, two steps back. Will this ever end? It’s difficult when I can’t see where I’m going. So in tune with other people’s feelings, I can never figure out my own. I go through life believing I’m okay, then I snap. Only after the fact do I realise that I am not okay after all.

I don’t want to go back to feeling hopeless, but now I’m wondering if I’ve ever left that lonely place. Have I all this time been living a lie? Have I grown accustomed to my own numbed mind, and has it tricked me into thinking I am now qualified to aspire to be a competent human being? I do not know.

It’s difficult to understand myself the same way I understand everyone else. It’s not that I wish for there to be someone that can make me feel okay. I don’t need such falsehood. I don’t need such transient a creature to comfort me. I don’t want anybody else to salvage my wreckage. I do not trust anyone. I do not need anyone.

I wish to be okay.

My thoughts. Their thoughts.

My beliefs. Their beliefs.

My dreams. Their dreams.

They are all jumbled up and I can no longer tell which of these are mine, which of these are other people’s. Better than before, all I seem to have learned is a sincere smile that lacks all sincerity. My smiles have become so real that I end up convincing even myself that I am okay. I have learned to say, “I’m okay” and “I’m fine”, and all I am now is dishonest. It’s a regression, this is what this is. I wasn’t able to do this when I was a wreck before, but after I got back up, all smiles and hopes, I now end up more insincere than I was at the time.

Don’t be like that, my mind is telling me. At least now your mindset has changed, right? You are no longer a victim, and you have learned to stop blaming the world for what happened to you. You’re different now. You have learned to take responsibility, so what’s the problem?

I do not know.

What’s the problem? Why am I this way? Why have I been crying? What is the reason for these tears?

I do not know myself. I cannot tell what is wrong.

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