Is it the weather, or is it life, that is beginning to get to me (again)? There are so many things to do and so little time. Where is the future? Why has it not arrived; I am worried.
What is this life that I do not understand. What is this smile which I cannot see. I do not know anything. I do not think I know any more. No matter how hard I try to move forward, there is always something in the way. Just as I’ve learned to accept that that’s okay (all I have to do is soldier through or find a way around the problem) my emotions catch up to remind me of what I am.
I am just a really sad person.
Sometimes my mind tricks me into thinking I am okay until I feel the wetness run down my face. Am I okay—am I not? It’s hard to tell. I keep running, running, running and running and I—I am tired—
I want to sleep and never wake up. What am I put here to do? I want to achieve this and that, and I dream dream dream. I keep on racing (racing again) but I will never catch up to my peers, to myself, to the person I want to become. I try so hard and I am still not good enough—not normal enough.
It’s hard to feel okay when I wasn’t born to be.
I want to escape, I think, sometimes.
(But I have escaped.)
I am so worried about the future that I cannot enjoy the present. I recall the past in quiet moments where I am. So I race and run, hoping all the things I fear will never ever catch up. I forget that my fears, I have carried here with me.
I want a future.
Where things make sense. Where I don’t have to try so hard to be understood, to be as normal as everybody else. I wish things come easily to me as they do to others but they don’t—and I—I hate that I always have to work twice harder to receive the same outcome as everybody else. I thought I have accepted this injustice as fact, as truth, yet reality gets to me sometimes and force me back into a petulant brooding child.
I don’t want to be this way. I don’t want to stay this way. I’m tired and worn—but I cannot forget myself. If I do, everything is over. I can only move forward. I must not look back. I should not dwell on these disappointments and failures. If I set my sight far enough into the distance, the troubles which are within my reach will cease to matter.
They are pebbles pebbles pebbles pebbles…
Please put me to sleep.