i already feel like a fraud every other day, living in and breathing in and feeding on my insecurities and worries for the future. i feel like i will never make anything out of life, never reach my full potential, never become who i am supposed to be, who i want to become.
my ambitions are driven by fear. i want to make something for myself. i want to live like i am capable of living. but i don’t know how. there are moments where i sit in front of the screen or a notebook and all i can feel is the panic welling up inside me, the frustration over my own incompetence, because i can’t get the words to make sense, i can’t get myself to make sense and i want to cry. but, there are also moments where i laugh at my own words, where i think myself a genius because all the plot points are coming together, and in those moments, i can believe whole-heartedly that my ideas are beautiful. but it’s like striking a match in the dark. it flares and flickers out.
i think my problem is that i’m always worrying, always taking things too seriously, always wanting to do the best that i can do — be the best. i think my problem is that i’m just a shitty writer, a fraud who loves words other people write and wishes i can write as well as they do, but my words will never be as beautiful as theirs. i think part of the problem is that i’m never one or the other; i’m too shit at my native tongue and not fluent enough in the other. i teeter on the edge of two continents, not thai enough, not english enough. and it’s frustrating because it isn’t just my writing that this affects, but also the way i speak. my thai is even worse than my english. i live in fear of pissing people off for being the way i am. i can’t win when my entire existence is just as ‘non-white’ as my writing.
but what pisses me off the most is the culturally ignorant who tell me my characters’ names are too weird and that i need to make them more ‘normal’ when what they really mean is ‘white’. i can see the look in their eyes, the look that says, ‘if you want to write about non-white characters with weird names, then why don’t you just write in your language?’.
i cannot write in ‘my’ language, because you have robbed me of mine.