i already feel like a fraud every other day, living in and breathing in and feeding on my insecurities and worries for the future. i feel like i will never make anything out of life, never reach my full potential, never become who i am supposed to be, who i want to become.
my ambitions are driven by fear. i want to make something for myself. i want to live like i am capable of living. but i don’t know how. there are moments where i sit in front of the screen or a notebook and all i can feel is the panic welling up inside me, the frustration over my own incompetence, because i can’t get the words to make sense, i can’t get myself to make sense and i want to cry. but, there are also moments where i laugh at my own words, where i think myself a genius because all the plot points are coming together, and in those moments, i can believe whole-heartedly that my ideas are beautiful. but it’s like striking a match in the dark. it flares and flickers out.
Hello, my name is Boo, and I plan to save humanity from itself.
During the twenty years of my life, I suffered from four different mental illnesses, was handed from doctors to doctors. My life was littered with hospitals, stalkers, physical assaults, more hospitals, media play, and a couple of suicide attempts.
I used to dance and sing, having been misled to believe that to succeed in life, I’d have to beat my way into the limelight. “You’re a fast learner but you are lagging behind!” they said. “Pathetic. Focus.” That was what life was like for years. And school was (“You psycho!”) just as great…
Reality’s more tragic a story than any greek mythology, and I wish I had known that, that somebody had told me something, but instead what did I get?Disney cartoons and fairy tales with princes in shining armours.
You understand life. How are you able to smile when you understand life?
Tell me how to do it. Because of all the reality, I cannot smile. How should I think? I’ve been exposed to the rawness of life. I’ve become bitter for the ones who are suffering. How do you smile beautifully when you have on your shoulders, this curse of understanding? When you know life? I want to smile beautifully too. But how do I do it when I’m feeling so much sadness for everyone else?
How do I think so that I can smile sincerely while understanding life? There are no sincere smiles, no genuine happiness. There hasn’t been for a long time.